Why Do Couples Really Fight?

Is It Good or Bad To fight in A Relationship?

Research shows that it is indeed healthy for couples to fight. Even if you fight everyday, it doesn't mean that your relationship is doomed. Its just a question of are your arguments going to be more productive or less productive? How does it end?

When we start a conversation ,most of the time it's because we want to talk and solve the underlying issues in the relationship. But what happens is that along the way everything gets lost in translation because even if we talk and we are not heard then the conversation is not going anywhere. Research shows that most arguments are always about the same issues and 60 percent of what people fight about never gets resolved. 

So why do couples fight?

1. Kitchen Sinking. If you look very carefully in your own relationship, then you would realize that you always argue about the same issues. By not fixing these issues in the past, you have allowed them pile up to the point where you don't know where to begin fixing these issues. This is what we call " kitchen sinking". You leave the utensils in the sink , they pile up until you don't know where to begin with washing these utensils. the same way in a relationship, if you put these issues under a rug, you would have a hard time knowing where to start fixing the issues.

2. Bringing up past mistakes is a common thing most people do in relationships, especially women. We tend to do this a lot. It started with "a why didn't you reply to my texts in the morning" and ended up being about how you cheated on me two years ago. In the end, you don't even know what was the issue in the first place.

3. Not finding the balance. We have all been raised differently. There are people who are ready to talk about it all out and put everything on the table and others who don't like confrontation. There are those who keep things to themselves and others who explode the moment they find out. and so not finding the balance between these two people can cause the arguments to go very fast into a completely negative space .

4. Always looking for mistakes . If your partner messed up now you feel like you have the right to doubt everything they say and do. Even if they are really trying, you disregard their efforts and you start looking for those small mistakes to find reasons to show why you think him or her will hurt you again.

5. Defense Mode. The human mind has clearly been for years developing the defense protocol whenever an argument occurs. Whenever it feels attacked, it starts to prepare defense. Humans we only listen for a few seconds the start preparing difference, its incredible how our mind works. Just a few minutes of paying attention and then boom, Defense!

6. Always justifying our actions and characterizing the actions of the other. Always justifying our actions and characterizing the actions of the other. When we do something its because it was circumstantial and if the other does it, its because its a reflection of their character. Its who they are and this accusing of the other person can cause real damage in any relationship because they will always feel like a failure, like they are failures in whatever they do.

"One thing about arguments is that ,Can you imagine that there is this person that is close to you that actually has a completely different experience of what just happened? And that's challenging in a relationship because if I am feeling this way its because you must have done something to make me feel this way. Otherwise why am I feeling it?" Says Esther Perel in one of her interviews.

So how do we fight better? How do we ensure that these fights are beneficial to our growth as individuals and as a couple?

The first thing to do is to identify these issues. Identify the issues that you fight most about then find the root cause of these arguments. This will help you to avoid fighting over the same issues over and over again. Then its now a matter of how do you handle these issues, are you ready to turn your conversations into a much more positive talk rather than shouting and cursing on each other. And the first step is do not use the word " always". You always lie to me..., You always do this" This globalizing of the word always will only increase the tension in the arguments.

Understand the fact that the two of you have been raised differently. There are those who have been taught to fight, to argue to defend themselves and those who have been taught to just keep quiet and never ask for what they really want. The way we are brought up have a great influence on who we become and by understanding this, we are accepting that we are different and we have been taught to handle situations very differently. Some people like to keep things to themselves and others want to get over with it. By understanding who your partner is ,it will be able to help you to know how best to handle the situation. The more one person goes up the more the other shuts down the more it activates the other to keep shouting and feeling in control

Arguments are not always about who is right and who is wrong. Even if you feel you haven't done something wrong, it is good to acknowledge that the other person feels like you did.  Its a way of saying I can hear you even if I don't agree with you, which is a huge step, which means you are listening and you really care about why the other person genuinely feels hurt by your actions.

"Remember that behind every anger is hurt, and behind every criticism is a wish" Says the Psychotherapist and author Esther Perel.